Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
the icebreaker