Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
as is their right
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.