@antheanton
@stevevsninjas doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
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@stevevsninjas 
@ShesARealGenius [Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
@jonnysun *paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
@noog To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
@stephenjmolloy Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
@ItsAndyRyan Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
@rn_murse take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
@PanicRestroom It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
@hanmanhanman Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
@imlaurenmcguire I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.