@antheanton

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

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@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

@noog

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

@stephenjmolloy

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

@hanmanhanman

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.