Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My dream job is getting paid to dream
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness