Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

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My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.


I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone


Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.


I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”


Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.


What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?


During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter


[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless