My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless