Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My dad.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.