@mommajessiec My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
@Jake_Vig Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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@mommajessiec 
@osoplain I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
@koi_takleef_ Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
@darksidedeb Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
@adamgreattweet I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
@ashmensch Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
@XplodingUnicorn What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
@GrantTanaka During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
@bobvulfov [cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
@BrianHDot Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless