Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I saw nothing
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
You’ll be OK
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…