Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”