Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Tough love is true love
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is