Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!