Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.