[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
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That’s not how days work.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Pringles
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”