Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
#Caturday
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment