Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.


mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day


Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same


The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.


We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.


I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.


I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.