Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.


A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.


my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades


Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts


Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail