@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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@T_Bonezzz_

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

@LaraineBaker

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@bazecraze

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

@deardilettante

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@whatmaddness

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

@DBMaxP

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

@FilmsWeWant

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail