Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail