Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You Might Also Like
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
congratulations to them
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.