Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.