“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup