@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

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@knot_eye

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

@DrunjAF

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@okimstillhungry

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

@Awesome_Todd

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

@MaryKoCo

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

@TheMamusa

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

@CherBear162

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

@YearOfRat

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

@GrantTanaka

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring