Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia