Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
finally
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.