Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.