Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.