(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back