Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Best table by far
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast