Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af