Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away