Any time a child tries to guess my age.
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Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Happy weekend !
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?