@dave_cactus

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

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@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@TheAuthorGuy

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

@ParaJanitor

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

@naughtywriter2

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@Shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.