My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.