Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure