Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“