any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears