Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula