Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Sunday
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Everything reminds me of my ex