Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls