Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”


sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance


*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.


My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered


howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow


Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.


If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.


Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?