Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
new record!
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby