Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.