@donni
@popartcartoonz And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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@popartcartoonz 
@AaronFullerton Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
@roastmalone_ sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
@BombChelleMama_ But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
@SCBamaMan *driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
@jakery My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
@electrolemon howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
@jctwritesstuff Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
@VerifiedDrunk If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
@robdelaney Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?