any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size