@RandiLawson

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

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@JessObsess

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

@geowizzacist

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

@imdaintyaf

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

@AndreTheViking

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •