Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out