Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.