Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.