Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
🐕🍷
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.