Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.