Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
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Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
oh you wanna fight?!
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up