Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3