“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his