Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
So creative 😂
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!