Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.