Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed