Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.