Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP