Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.