Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
sry
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.