Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”