Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I鈥檓 Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I鈥檓 the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Women. Can鈥檛 live with em, can鈥檛 live without titties.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It鈥檚 freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don鈥檛 look desperate
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she鈥檚 my half sister
when it鈥檚 finally the weekend but you promised your wife you鈥檇 deal with the orc infestation in the basement
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 馃槀
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Operator: 911, what鈥檚 your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I鈥檝e heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
That鈥檚 easy for you to say
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today鈥檚 turkey.
When people try to debate me online I鈥檓 just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn鈥檛 exist