Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶